


Boned City

by trueamericanwolf



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Broad City AU, Comedic Violence, Crack Fic, Drug Use, Gen, Humor, Scott is Abbi, Sexual Situations, Stiles is Ilana, im doing it like each new chapter is a new epsiode, kira is lincoln, liam is bevers, lots of smoking weed, lydia is jaime, this is such a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-02 21:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6584170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trueamericanwolf/pseuds/trueamericanwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scott and Stiles both go through really strange days after they realize they both are late on their student loan payments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Old, Underage, and a Meth-head

**Author's Note:**

> Basically one giant Broad City AU. This is so sloppy and messy and not written like a normal fic, in my opinion. I purposefully left out details and made it almost entirely dialogue so it would feel more like you're watching an episode of Broad City where just weird shit happens to the two characters and it just comes out of nowhere. Hopefully, if anyone reads this they find it funny and if not, well, I had fun. Also it's super unedited!

“I’m just on this new mindset, man,” Scott said. “I mean, like, I’ve never been to a wedding, dude. I want to experience that.”

“Yeah, totally,” Stiles said, nodding from across the restaurant’s table. They’re in the outside seating area for their weekly brunch.

“I want to see love for real, and I want to live to that age where I get to see my friends get married and have kids and live. Dude, I’m just thinking like, enough with thinking about sad shit, you know?”

“Yes, man! I am so there with you. I was smoking in my bathroom the other night and I thought, this is not where I am going to live forever, man, like someone else is going to use that bathroom.”

“Damn, that’s deep.”

“I know.”

“So enough with the sorrow and gloom,” Scott said raising his bloody mary in the air.

“Yes!” Stiles said, clinking their bloody mary’s together.

Scott felt his phone vibrate and he looked down to see an unsaved number on the screen. He slid the text open and his eyes filled with horror.

“Oh, shit,” Scott said, rapidly scrolling down. “Dude, I missed my first payment on my student loans. I didn’t even realize it’s been six months.”

“Oh, that sucks,” Stiles said, shoving half a pancake into his mouth.

“What’s the point of it all anyways, I mean honestly.” Scott put his phone away and threw his hands up in the air, dramatically. “I am going to end up working at a dead end job paying off these loans until I die and for what? Because society says we need that in order to get jobs, and yet it puts us in so much debt we can’t succeed. The government is killing us all.”

“What happened to all that living that life?” Stiles asked.

“I just mean I want to di--”

“Wait,” Stiles interrupted Scott. “If yours are due…Dude, I think I know who that random number that keeps calling me is.”

“What?”

“I graduated six months before you, dude! My loans started six months ago. I haven’t made a single fucking payment, man!”

“Fuck!” Scott choked on his gulp of his drink.

“I’m so fucked!”

\--

Scott and Stiles were walking down the street after eating their brunch. Stiles had checked his credit score as they were leaving the restaurant and almost had a heart attack at how low his credit had dropped. How could he have forgotten to pay his bills?

“Okay, so we go and we make a payment,” Scott said enthusiastically.

“I have no fucking money, dude! I spent my last $40 on that bogo weed sale at my dispensary, man, I got seven grams for $40! It was such a good deal like how am I supposed to turn that down? I need all the deals on weed I can get, you know?”

“Focus, Stiles!” Scott grabbed his shoulders. “If your credit score continues to drop you will be reduced to nothing in society. You will be banished and forced to die alone in a wasteland built out of people tears.”

“Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?” Stiles shook Scott off him.

“Sorry,” Scott said looking away. “My dad ingrained the importance of credit scores into me since I was five years old.”

“That explains a lot.” Stiles started walking forward again and suddenly remembered he had a date. “Shit, I just remembered I have a date.”

“Well, cancel obviously.”

“I can’t,” Stiles said. “What if this guy ends up being rich and I end up marrying him and my credit score no longer matters and he can pay for everything.”

“Where did you meet?” Scott asked.

“Tinder.”

“Stiles,” Scott shouted. “Tinder? Dude, he’s probably going to either be underage or addicted to meth, trust me.”

“Whoa,” Stiles said, throwing up his arms. “How is it up there on your high horse? Looking down on us normal millennials who use social media to connect.”

“Stiles.”

“How is it up there? Squashing my hopes that this could be the one. The one who pays my bills at the very least. Why are you trying to deny me happiness? Why are you trying to ruin my credit score.”

“Just go on the fucking date, dude, damn.” Scott shook his head in disbelief. “And you say I’m dramatic.”

“Yeah I realized I was going overboard, but have you ever had those moments where you know you’re going to deliver this really great speech and nail it, and you do it just to see the other person’s reaction?”

“How high are you?”

“I smoked my gas mask bong an hour ago, I was stoned that entire brunch.”

“Me too,” Scott admitted. “I did a little wake and bake this morning.”

“Oh my, God. Look at you all grown up,” Stiles said, pinching Scott’s cheeks. “You’ve come so far from when you used to smoke and order the entire menu and then end up blowing the bathroom up!”

“Yeah, let’s not talk about that,” Scott said.

“Sure, buddy,” Stiles said, his arm around Scott’s shoulder.

\--

Stiles walked into the coffee shop where they were meeting. It wasn’t in the nicest area of town and Stiles was not a fan of the name: Let Joe Fill You. Honestly, who names a coffee shop that? The inside wasn’t awful. There were a few pictures of ground coffee on the shit colored brown walls. Okay, so maybe this place wasn’t _that_ nice. Stiles turned to see if he could find his date.

Ted was his name and from his picture he looked normal. His beautiful white smile had caught Stiles’ attention as he was swiping left. His finger had stopped on that smile and Ted’s eyes were a beautiful ocean blue. Stiles was excited to prove Scott wrong about this date.

“Stiles?” A voice came from behind him.

Stiles turned around and instantly felt regret fill every cell of his body. “Yes?”

Stiles’s eyes surveyed the guy standing in front of him. He was extremely short; if Stiles had to guess he’d say Ted was barely 5’2”, his eyes were not blue at all, but instead almost completely black. The guys had stubble on his face but not in an attractive way. His neck hair was long and blonde so it only was visible when the light hit it at a certain angle, but when the light did hit, Stiles almost gagged. The hair was tangled in a ball under his chin.

“Hey, I’m Ted.” He stuck his hand out to shake and without thinking, Stiles squatted lower and shook his hand.

“Oh shi…” Stiles started to say.

“Wow,” Ted said quietly.

Stiles forced a smile on his face and he was almost certain his lips would bleed because he was forcing them so hard. He followed Ted to a table in the back of the coffee shop and when they sat down he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Scott.

\--

Scott felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He was sitting against a building in an alleyway because he rolled a joint and decided to smoke it on his way home. He took his last hit before the end of the joint burned his fingers and threw it on the floor, blowing the smoke away from him and reaching into his pocket, pulling out his phone.

Stiles: dude you were right get here right the fuck now im gonna die

Stiles had sent him a pin drop where he was and Scott sent him a quick text back saying he was on his way. He was just happy he had smoked before.

As Scott started down the street he watched as an old woman tried to get her walker up onto the curb. Scott could see that she was struggling. Her sky blue bonnet was falling and Scott could see she was balding; there were just a few patches of grey knotted patches of hair mixed in between patches of red flaky scalp. He had to help.

Scott rushed over and steadied her walker in place, which was half hanging off the curb and half in the air above the crosswalk. The old lady looked up at him and gave him a gummy smile, then she licked her lips and Scott could see drool dripping from the corners of her lips.

“My, my, my, sonny boy,” she said, taking a step onto the curb. She began to lean forward like she was going to fall and Scott rushed forward, ready to help her. Instead, her hand shot out and grabbed his crotch and he shrieked in surprise. “That’s what I’m talking about. Why don’t you come stick that vibrant young dick in this ripened pussy that’s ready for you to destroy.”

“Wh...what?” Scott stuttered in disbelief, not entirely sure if this was reality or if his weed was laced.

“Martha?” A man’s voice came from behind Scott.

Scott turned around, the woman’s hand still latched onto his dick. Scott’s face was in shock and he wanted to shove the lady off him but he knew he could hurt her. Instead he jumped back and that sudden movement sent her toppling forward.

“Oh, shit!” Scott shouted as he watched the old lady tumble forward, losing all her balance and falling face first.

“What are you doing to my wife?!” The old man screamed. He was wearing brown slacks with a white button up and brown suspenders. His black fedora seemed out of place, but Scott figured he was old enough to not care.

“Nothing,” Scott said, leaning down to help her up.

“Don’t touch her!” The older man yelled, slowly walking over with his cane. He was hunched over and his back protruded out like superman punched him in the chest and nothing ever healed. “I’ll kill you.”

\--

“So,” Stiles said, sipping his iced coffee. “You, um, well, I’m just gonna say it. Dude, you look completely different than your tinder picture.”

“I know,” Ted said, still pouring packets of sugar into his coffee. Stiles looked next to the cup and saw that he had already used upwards of ten sugars. “It’s just, well, no one wants to date the real me. They see me and think I’m only there to suck dick and have their beer placed on my head.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He poured another sugar packet in. Stiles was already almost halfway done with his coffee and kept looking around for Scott.

“You got enough sugar?” Stiles asked, watching in disbelief.

“I actually need all this,” Ted said, scratching his arm. “It’s not something I really like to talk about but I’m recovering and I need a lot of sugar and caffeine.”

“What are you recovering from?” Stiles asked, suddenly concerned.

“Meth.”

\--

A crowd had gathered around Scott and the old timers. Scott watched as the old man tried his best to pick up his wife, yelling at Scott every time he tried to help both of them.

“What happened?” A stranger asked.

“You don’t want to know,” Scott said, still not entirely sure if he was hallucinating. His eyes were burning and he knew they were drooping at that point.

“Way to be super exclusive,” the stranger said and stormed off.

“What...is happening?” Scott said to himself.

\--

Ted finally finished pouring sugar into his coffee and Stiles sent Scott another text.

“Who do you keep texting?” Ted asked as he began to gulp the coffee.

“My best friend,” Stiles said, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

“It’s rude to text on dates, you know.”

“Yeah, well, it’s rude to lie to people online.” Stiles watched as Ted’s lips pouted and his lower lip began to quiver. He is not about to cry, Stiles thought.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Ted said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. He rapidly clicked the screen and then slammed his phone down. “I switched my profile, okay? Are you happy?”

“Wha--”

“I’ll be right back.”

Ted loudly slid his chair back against the tile floor. Everyone in the establishment looked at the two of them and Stiles just needed to get the fuck out of there. The bathroom was next to their table so he only had a quick moment to leave.

As soon as the bathroom door closed, Stiles grabbed his coffee cup and tried his best to quietly slide his chair out from behind him. Before he even got a chance to get up, Ted came out of the bathroom, wide eyed and bopping his head up and down.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said, his lower jaw moving side to side.

“How did you...go to the bathroom that fast?” Stiles asked.

“I did a line.”

“Of course.”

\--

An ambulance showed up and Scott watched as the old lady got put on a stretcher. He felt awful, but as she was being put into the back of the ambulance, she wagged her tongue around while making eye contact with Scott.

“I’m done being locked in marriage!” she shouted. “Find me!”

“Martha!” The old man shouted.

“Goodbye, Bartholomew.”

The ambulance doors shut and with that she was gone and Bartholomew was left standing alone, leaning on his cane.

“I’m free,” he said. Scott wasn’t entirely sure he heard the old man correctly.

“What?” Scott said.

“I’m free!” Bartholomew let out a laugh and put his left hand in the air, shaking. “Thank you, young man. Thank you so much. You freed me.”

“Ummm, sure, okay,” Scott said, still not sure if any of it was actually real.

“Here,” the old man reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of money. “Take it all. You deserve it! Your young cock freed me.”

“Fuck this,” Scott said, grabbing the money and walking away.

“Your cock saves lives!” Scott heard the man shouting as he turned the corner.

\--

“Bradley!” A woman’s voice shrieked from the end of the coffee shop.

Stiles watched as Ted shrunk into his seat and mumbled, “shit.”

“Bradley Parker!”

“Do you know her?” Stiles asked.

“It’s my mom.” Ted said.

Stiles watched as a woman came storming over to the two of them. She had on beige heels which matched her skirt and her blouse. She had on a beautiful pearl necklace and her hair was done up in a beehive.

“I got a call from your school and they said you ditched again.”

“Hold on, what?” Stiles said.

“How are you going to graduate high school if you can’t even pass freshmen year!”

“I’m out,” Stiles said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe Scott was right. I cannot believe there is not hope for dating on an app.”

Without making eye contact at either of the two, Stiles walked out of the coffee shop and went to dial Scott’s number.

“Stiles!” Scott’s voice caused him to drop his phone. The screen shattered.

“Fuck,” Stiles said, picking it up and seeing bits of glass on the floor.

“Dude,” Scott said, eyes wide as can be. “Good thing I got money!”

Scott pulled out the wad of money and Stiles’ eyes widened in awe.

“How?”

“It’s a long story,” Scott said. “First let's get you a new phone, buy some weed, and then with whatever we have left we can put it towards your loans.”

“I can’t use your money, man,” Stiles said.

“Dude, some old man gave this to me because I have a magic cock.”

“What?” Stiles asked, eyes about to fall out of his skull. “Did you sleep with a man? And it wasn’t me?”

“No?”

“You promised me if you were ever going to experiment it would be with me. I mean, I’m glad you got paid, but an old man?” Stiles put his hands up into air quotes. “‘Magic cock,’ you never told me you had a magic cock. What else are you keeping from me, dude?”

“Stiles,” Scott said, grabbing his shoulders. “First of all, dude, I never said that. And I didn’t fuck anyone. It’s a long story let’s just go.”

“Fine,” Stiles said, “but can I see your magic cock?”

“No,” Scott said, scrunching his face.

“Come on.”

“Fine,” Scott said, throwing his hands up in the air. “You can see it.”

“Bless.”

The two of them started walking away from the coffee shop and Scott turned to Stiles.

“How was your tinder date?” Scott asked.

“Underage and a meth head.”

“Incredible.”

\--

“All right,” Stiles said, pulling the stem out of the bong and holding in the smoke. “Let’s see.”

“This is dumb,” Scott said from behind the bathroom door.

“Magic cock! Magic cock!” Stiles chanted and Scott opened the door, standing in just his underwear.

“You can see the outline through the underwear,” Scott said. “That’s all you get.”

“Fine,” Stiles huffed. He hopped off his bed, making sure to put the bong down gently. Then he got down in front of Scott and inspected.

“Stiles, what the fuck?” Scott said, going back into the bathroom.

“If I can’t inspect your dick, Scotty, who can?”

“No one!” Scott came out in a tank top and shorts. “Give me the bong.”

They lied together in Stiles’ bed and passed the bong back and forth, hot boxing the room.


	2. Funeral Sausage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles found out about this speed dating place that serves all you can eat sausages and he's fucking pumped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, this chapter gets questionable at points. It's messy. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Also [gayfantasticfour](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/gayfantasticfour) was with me and we were bouncing ideas off each other and brainstormed the chapter together. It was beautiful.)

“I think we’re lost,” Scott said, looking at their surroundings.

“Didn’t you type the address into your phone?”

“Yes I typed in the address you gave me.” Scott said, looking down at the map on his phone.

“Alright, well, then this must be it.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Google doesn’t lie, dude. It’s like, if Google messed up what would we even rely on as a species, you know?”

“People on the internet lie all the time. Besides, BING is better.”

Stiles slammed on the breaks. “Get out.”

“The car is still moving!”

“Then BING search ‘how to safely jump from a moving vehicle’.”

Scott looked down and realized they were about to miss their turn. ”Dude, it’s a left right here.”

Stiles swerved to the left without looking, sending Scott into the window. A car behind them laid on the horn, but Stiles didn’t look as he pulled up behind a long, black car. “Look at this fucking asshole. I mean I get it’s a residential or whatever but like, five miles per hour, like I can probably get hard and come before we move an inch.”

“Dude, what the FUCK.”

“You said make a left!”

“No, I said ‘it’s a left right here’. You didn’t need to swerve.”

“Tomato, to-mah-toe.” Stiles started looking around. “So where do you think this is even gonna take place, dude?”

Scott turned his head and saw nothing but rows of crosses and tombstones. “Dude...we’re at a fucking cemetary.”

“I know, like, a little weird but honestly, I’m down. Ever since I watched that Buzzfeed video called ‘How to Fuck a Ghost’ I’ve like, really wanted to get fucked by a ghost, you know?”

“Did you just say you wanted to get fucked by a ghost, dude? What?”

Stiles looked out the window and saw a person walking near the car, dressed all in black. “Oh look, there’s someone. I’m gonna ask.”

“I really don’t think--”

Stiles rolled down the window. “Hey! Are you here for the speed dating? We’re lost and really need to get to the speed dating area? Do you know where that is?”

“Are you fucking serious?” She said, storming forward. Stiles had to stop when the car in front of him came to a stop.

“Oh, come on!” Stiles shouted.

Stiles started opening up his car door when six men came from either end of the car. “Okay, never mind, staying in the car.” They were all wearing black and they opened up the back of the car, and started pulling a casket out.

“Oh shit, dude!” Scott said, covering his mouth. He looked around and saw that someone was parked behind them. “Dude, we’re boxed in at a fucking funeral.”

“Hell no, I might meet my prince or princess today! Scott, speed dating is like the perfect way to basically sniff out who you want to fuck. I mean, honestly, who goes to speed dating to actually find a date.”

“Me,” Scott mumbled.

“It’s the fucking mecha of genitals and it’s my time to shine when I’m there.”

“Then you go tell them to move out of the way.”

“Oh, fuck no.”

“What was with all that ‘mecha of genital’ talk then?”

“I’m always a mecha for genitals and to prove it, the last person to get laid has to go ask them to move the hearse.”

\--

“I can’t believe you made me ask them to move the hearse,” Scott said.

“You questioned my genital slayage.” Stiles turned into a parking structure and parked the car.

“Yeah, okay, I will never question your? Slayage?” Scott laughed and Stiles pulled a joint out from under his hat.

“Let’s make this a little more enjoyable.” Stiles lit the end of the joint and puffed. “There’s going to be so many sausages, man. I read the brochure on the street floor and saw speed dating and all you can eat sausages like, yes! Dating and food is what I’m about, motherfucker!”

Scott took a hit and nodded. “Stiles, how many sausages do you think someone needs to eat until they come? Because if that’s a number I want to eat one less, take the last sausage home, and make a night out of it.”

“Yes, you do you!” Stiles grabbed the steering wheel and started humping it, accidentally beeping the horn. An older couple walking by became startled and the man clutched his chest, falling over.

“Shit, dude, go!” Scott yelled, taking one last hit before smashing the end of the joint into the seat.

Stiles sped out of the parking structure and they drove down a couple of blocks before parking.

“This is the worst high, dude,” Scott said.

“I’ve had worse,” Stiles said, looking forward without blinking.

“Stiles, when have you had a worse experience than most likely killing an old man as he innocently walked with his wife through a parking garage?! When have you had worse?”

“Let’s just say, more than one person died that night,” Stiles said, his left eye twitching.

“What? Stiles, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m just kidding,” Stiles said, a wide smile plastered on his face. “All jokes aside though, we probably did just kill a man so we should probably stick to the shadows, not do anything that could draw attention to us, basically revert back to being in the closet, metaphorically speaking.”

“Sure,” Scott said, “so no speed dating then.”

“Bitch, please.”

\--

“Stiles, it’s all guys here, dude? Are you sure this is a speed dating conference?”

“Yes,” Stiles said, reaching to the entrance table and grabbing a flyer. “See right here. ‘Sausage Party. Speed Dating for guys and only….guys.’”

“Stiles, this is a gay speed dating place?”

“Well of course it is, you tight pants little vixen, you,” a man said from behind Scott. Scott and Stiles turned to look at him. He was a petite man with a bright neon pink mesh tank top and dolphin shorts. “Can’t wait to have my five minutes alone with you. Oh, and look at that equality tattoo on your arm, love it!”

“No,” Scott said, as the man walked away. “This isn’t that. I thought it just looked cool.”

“Just let it go, dude,” Stiles said, pulling him closer to him. “So, listen, I made a mistake. Sawry,” Stiles said in a little kid voice. “But, dude, listen. This is even better. Gay men usually want me like right away. I am basically guaranteed a fuck tonight! So, please just do me this one solid.”

“Stiles,” Scott sighed. “Fine, dude, but I swear to God.”

“Love you, D.”

\--

“My names Paul, I like long walks on bridges at night alone and watching _Six Feet Under_ every night before bed.”

“Oh,” Scott said, nodding. “Hey, listen, don’t do it, okay.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Kill yourself.” Scott whispered.

“Excuse me?!” Paul gasped and held his hand up to his mouth. “I’m doing a project on Alan Ball you piece of shit! God, that was just my dramatic introduction before I explained my dissertation into the beautiful and warped mind of a genius.”

“Yeah,” Scott said, “maybe you should open with that next time, okay?”

\--

“Cut or uncut?” Stiles asked.

\--

“I’m just feeling this deep spiritual connection between our aura’s right now. Like your aura has mine bent over and is just penetrating it with those intense biceps.” The pink mesh tank top man said. “My name’s Augustice.”

“Yeah, I’m straight.”

“What?” Augustice shrieked, slamming the table over and falling to the ground.

“Dude, what the….” Scott looked around at everyone staring at them. “We’re just acting,” he said out loud. “He’s pretending to be my...mom? When I came out…”

A resounding, “ooooh,” came from everyone in the room and they went back to speed dating.

\--

“Hi, I’m Derek,” a broody looking man with a leather jacket and a pout that made him look like he was either about to shit or kill someone said.

“Yeah, listen,” Stiles said. “I understand ‘masculinity so fragile’ but, dude, maybe tone it back? Honestly, I thought you were an active shooter.”

\--

“Scott?” A familiar voice sat down across from him.

“Dave?” Scott said, not believing that his childhood best friend was at a speed dating event.

“I always had a feeling about you,” Dave said, winking.

“Oh, no, what?” Scott looked around as if he could be talking to someone else. “I’m….I’m not…”

“Sh,” Dave said, and Scott suddenly felt his foot on his crotch. “Remember kindergarten?”

“What?” Scott pulled away and stood up. “Why the fuck are you talking about kindergarten while rubbing my crotch?”

 “Because we kissed on the playground, in the sandbox.” Dave stood up. “How could you forget?! It was both of ours,” he began to raise his voice, “first kiss!” He was screaming at this point.

“I never kissed you, man,” Scott said, confused and scared.

“What?” Dave said, sitting back down as if nothing happened.

“I never kissed you. We’re, like, five years apart, remember?”

“Oh,” Dave said, cocking his head. “Man, I tell you, my mind is going these days.”

Scott managed a small laugh.

“I’m up to ten ecstasy pills a day and I put them in my asshole.”

\--

“Hey,” this beautiful perfect man said. His shoulders were wide, his beard was beautiful, and he smelt like he just hot boxed his car for a straight hour before even walking in.

“Hey,” Stiles said, already hard.

“You’re chill, man,” the guy said. “I’m Vance. You just seem to be at a much mellower pace than everyone else in here. Trippy vibes coming from a few of them.”

“Totally,” Stiles said. “Listen, wanna like get out of here and fuck?”

“I don’t fuck until I’ve gone on two speed dates,” Vance said seriously, and then started laughing. “But, for real, two speed dates.”

\--

“Hey,” a man said who had a nice leather jacket on and a really great five o’clock shadow. Scott was jealous.

“Hey, I’m Sc--”

“Scott, I know. I’m Derek,” he said.

“How do you know?” Scott asked, looking down at his nametag. He had written the name “Johnny.”

“I…”

“Attention speed date contestants,” a beautiful drag queen came into the middle, a microphone lowering from the ceiling. “Someone broke the rules. Someone here decided that they already found their perfect fit, their missing puzzle piece, the perfect dick for their asshole.”

“All right,” Scott said, “that’s a little extreme.”

“I’ll fit in your asshole,” Derek said quickly.

“What?”

“Who is it?” The drag queen spun around and pointed at the man in the mesh pink shirt. “Was it you? Did you try to sabotage this beautiful ceremony with your unquenchable thirst? Or was it you?” The drag queen pointed at Derek. “All broody and angry at the world because gay guys think you’re just a straight guy who’s experimenting and don’t take you serious, meanwhile girls throw themselves at you and you can’t even get your limp. Dick. Up!”

“He’s straight!” The pink meshed man screamed. “Both of them! They’re making a mockery of this entire night. They think they can come into our queer domain of trust and love and hope that maybe we will find true love tonight!”

Scott saw Stiles make a gesture and then he read his lips, “Yikes.”

“And you guys invade this sacred place with your heteronormative looks, which make half the men in this room fucking leaking, and then taunt it around at us and go home and make fun of us while you sniff lines off a prostitutes nipple! Sex workers have feeling too! I love you, mom!”

\--

“That was a fucking disaster,” Scott said as they were driving back.

“I don’t know, dude,” Stiles said, biting his lower lip. “I met someone.”

“Well at least one of us did,” Scott said as Stiles pulled up outside his apartment. “See you later, dude.”

“See ya!” Stiles shouted as he sped off down the street.

Scott turned around and saw someone sitting in front of his apartment. He squinted and realized it was Derek.

“What the fuc--”

“I think we can work this out and be good together,” Derek said, walking towards him with a boombox on his right shoulder, a teddy bear squeezed in between his left biceps, and a box of chocolates in his left hand. “Call me a hopeless romantic, but I think we can make it. I feel like we really connected and I want us to take it to the next step.” Derek got down on his knee.

“Okay, seriously, why the fuck does this shit always happen to me?” Scott said.

“Will you marry me?”

“No! Dude, what the fuck? We met for maybe a minute at a speed dating place. Why the fuck did you think I would marry you?”

“Would you believe me if I said this wasn’t my shortest relationship.”

“Just get the fuck out of here, dude.”

“Okay,” Derek said, sinking his head into his chest. He pulled a recorder out of his pocket. “4,563, and still yet to find my soulmate.”

\--

“Today got me thinking about death, dude,” Scott said, pulling out the stem of his bong.

“How so?” Stiles asked, his phone on speaker while he shaved his balls.

“We went to a cemetery, dude, we probably killed an old man.” Scott took another hit.

“Oh, yeah,” Stiles said, putting the razor down and picking up the joint hanging off his bathroom counter. He took a hit. “Obviously when I die you’re going to taxiderm me and have me just chilling in the crowd of people who have flocked to see me. They’ll think I rose again and worship my dead body. Imagine. Like, I could be the new messiah.”

“Okay, first of all, dude, I’m not taxiderming you. What the fuck?” Scott lied on his bed. “And obviously I’m gonna die first.”

“Bullshit you get to leave this place first.” Stiles shrieked as he nicked his balls. “How are you going to leave me? Why would you do that?!”

“Stiles, calm down.” Scott said. “I just mean weird shit always happens to me. I’m bound to get into some scenario where, like, I get kidnapped and end up working for the Russian mob and get brainwashed and then I come back and I’m dead in this metaphorical sense and you never get your best friend back and then you die out of depression.”

“Chill,” Stiles said. “I still die first.”


	3. Shamu and Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoo trip!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like it!!

“Okay,” Stiles said, lighting the end of his joint. Scott sat next to him on the bed, their backs against the wall and legs hanging off the end. “So I rewrote my about me on Tinder to make it be more, like, me? I feel like after that last date I just needed to revamp it, you know?”

“Totally,” Scott said, grabbing the joint and taking a hit. “Although, dude, I still think Tinder is a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Yeah, yeah, we already know, Deputy Ruin-My-Hopes-And-Dream.”

“Is that all one name?” Scott asked, smoke puffing out as he laughed.

“Yes, all one name. It’s the name of my unborn child.”

“That kid is going to have a great life.”

“Oh, totally,” Stiles said. “Imagine me as a dad, like, fuck yes! That kid will know that he can date whoever, smoke whatever, and do whatever that little fucker wants.” Stiles put the joint down and readjusted to face Scott. In a baby voice, “Daddy, can I eat Fruit Roll-Ups until I puke?” Back to his normal voice. “Yes, baby boo! You do you.”

“Stiles, I don’t think a kid should eat Fruit Roll-Ups until it pukes, that seems ,like, really unhealthy, dude.”

“No shit, how else is the kid gonna learn its’ limits?”

“That’s….” Scott trailed off and reached for the joint, taking another hit. “I don’t think, uh, you know what, you do you.”

“Thank you, Scott,” Stiles said, grabbing his chest. “The fact that you believe in me, and want me to do me is just so awesome. How did I end up with the best, most handsome, bronze God for a best friend.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Scott said, a smile finding a home on his face.

“Bitch,” Stiles said, “I would go farther for you.”

“Thanks, Stiles.”

Stiles and Scott had finished the joint and Stiles reached up to his left ear and pulled another one, lighting it up.

“So anyways,” Stiles said, grabbing his phone with his right hand and handing the joint to Scott with his left. “I want you to look over my new profile because ever since I switched it, no one matches with me. Like, I make it more open and about me and suddenly no one wants me? What kind of injustice is that? If I can’t even be myself on a dating app, where can I?”

“I don’t--”

“You put yourself out there, open up to people about yourself and then they just up and don’t swipe right?”

“Let me see your about me.”

Stiles hands Scott his phone and Scott begins to read over the about me portion.

“‘Stiles. Leaf emoji.’ Why a leaf emoji?”

“Oh, it’s the hip way of saying weed without having to say it, you know? Like when you send an eggplant emoji. Everyone knows it’s a euphemism for dick.”

“Really?” Scott passed the joint to Stiles. “I use it as an actual eggplant.”

“Dude,” Stiles said, shaking his head. “You have so much to learn.”

“Apparently,” Scott said. “Okay, moving on. ‘I’m out there in a good way and honestly, I just want to have a good time. I’m a NonCon type of gu…’” Scott put the phone down in his lap and looked at Stiles. “You’re a NonCon type of guy? Dude, what the fuck!”

“What?” Stiles said, grabbing his phone. “I’m a non conventional type of guy! I hear kids in coffee shops say they read NonCon fic all the time. I just figured they meant non conventional fiction, you know?”

“That’s not, in any way shape or form, what NonCon means, Stiles. You could not be further from what it means.”

“Okay, so that must be why no one is swiping right, chill. Now I can fix it and move on.”

“Dude!” Scott grabbed the joint and took an extra long hit. “Do you not understand what you put out there?”

“Oh my, God,” Stiles said, rolling his eyes and grabbing the joint. “How bad could NonCon be?”

“It’s rape.”

Stiles gasped and inhaled so abruptly that the joint flew into his mouth and he screamed in pain as the joint burned the inside of his mouth.

“Oh, shit, Stiles!” Scott yelled as he watched Stiles coughing and trying to spit the joint out.

The bedroom door opened and Liam walked in. “Are you guys okay?” He was shirtless, holding a plunger and only in a pink thong.

“God, Liam, get out!” Scott yelled. “Why are you even here? Hayden is gone for the weekend. Don’t you have a home?”

“Your couch is always so comfy and honestly your plunger is the best when I get my things stuck up my--”

“Get out, dude!” Scott shouted.

“Okay,” Liam said, smiling. “See you in the living room.”

As he turned around, Scott could see an eggplant protruding out of his ass.

“Is that a real eggplant?” Scott asked, but the door shut before he could get an answer.

Stiles let out a cough and held his hands to his chest. “I could have just died, dude.”

“I know.” Scott patted him on the back. “That was crazy! You almost swallowed the entire joint!”

“What a way to go, though.” Stiles paused and looked up at the ceiling, slowing nodding his head.

“Stiles?” Scott asked.

“Yeah, what? No!” Stiles shook his head and then laughed. “Sorry, just thinking about getting to heaven’s doors.”

“Right.”

“Anyways.” Stiles grabbed his phone. “I’m deleting Tinder.”

\--

“Thanks again for taking us, Kira,” Scott said, sitting in middle back seat.

“Totally,” Kira said. “I don’t even mind driving this far, I love it. It’s one of my favorite places.”

“Yeah, thank you,” Stiles said, his voice still hoarse from the joint. “But can we talk for a second. You guys have seen Blackfish, right? Because I just saw that last night, and what they are doing to those animals is seriously messed up. Like, imagine being taken captive and just never knowing anything but a tank full of your own shit water. Shamu deserves to be released. Oh my, God, Kira can--”

“No,” Kira said. “Stiles, we’re not cutting today short to go on a rescue mission for Shamu.”

“Fine!” Stiles said, throwing his hands up in the air. “I’m just saying, if it was either one of you I would stop at nothing to save you.” He leaned over and put his face next to Kira’s ear. “Nothing.”

“Stiles.” Kira said, turning her head and looking at him. “I appreciate the gesture but please I’m trying to drive.”

“Totally,” Stiles said, “I’ll go back with, Scott.”

Stiles unbuckled and started climbing over the seat. His lanky body was hard to maneuver in Kira’s Prius and he ended bumping her with his butt.

“Stiles!” Kira shouted as she swirved. Multiple cars began to honk.

“Sorry,” Stiles said. He finally sat down next to Scott and pulled out his vape. “Let’s get blazed. It’ll make today ten times more fun.”

\--

“I’m still just stuck on, Blackfish,” Stiles said, looking out the window. “How could they do that to all the poor sea creat--”

“We’re here,” Kira said.

“Yes!” Stiles shrieked, rolling down the window and sticking his head out. “The best place on Earth! The San Diego Zoo!”

\--

“Wait,” Stiles said, looking at the directory. “There are wolves?”

“Yes,” Kira said, already wearing an elephant hat, a smile plastered on her face.

“Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.”

“Stiles, dude,” Scott said. “What?”

“Wolves scare the fuck out of me, dude!”

“Stiles,” Kira said. “You said this is the best place on Earth. How did you not know there were wolves? Haven’t you been here?”

“No,” Stiles said, pacing. “I saw Zootopia and thought it was based off the San Diego Zoo, dude. I didn’t realize there would be wolves!”

“Stiles,” Scott said, “there were wolves in Zootopia. What?”

“I know!” Stiles shouted. “I know, dude, I know. But I figured that the zoo only had the nice animals and that the movie was just adding them in for diversity, you know?”

“Diversity?” Scott had an incredulous look on his face.

“Oh come on,” Stiles said, squatting down. “That entire movie was political as fuck. We have the lion mayor passing the act to make all the prey and predators work together and make people not discriminate. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, dude.”

“Stiles,” Kira said. “That was an animated movie.”

“So? What, animated movies can’t have politically charged messages? Have you ever even seen the cinematic masterpiece ParaNorman?”

“Okay, what?”

“They had an openly gay character! If that’s not political than I don’t know what is.”

“Yeah,” Scott said, shaking his head. “But they didn’t reveal that till the end. They did that on purpose to be shocking, it wasn’t there to show an actual gay character.”

“Dude, are you kidding me?” Stiles shouted.

“Stiles, please.”

“That motherfucker was gay as shit and just because he didn’t fit into society's idea of what a ‘normal’ gay is, we just write it off as not being gay enough for a character. Honestly, I expected better from you.”

“Okay, but then why wait till the last minute? Why not make it established earlier on? Because it was a cop out.”

“They had to placate to the heteronormative society. If he came out in the beginning people would have left. They did it so people would sit through the entire movie and then BAM! The little kids of all the Republican Christian homophobes were forced to see that a person is not defined by their sexuality, dude!”

“Whoa,” Scott said, nodding in agreement. “I never looked at it that way.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here.”

“Guys,” Kira said. “As fascinating as this is, we’re already halfway through the day.”

“Sue me,” Stiles said. “So I fucked up and forgot it was today and was busy making a wax candle out of my penis. I’m sorry, okay!”

“Is that why you were late?” Kira asked, her head cocked. “Can I see it?”

“I’ll bring it with me when you have to extract my wisdom teeth, that my dick will be lit next to you.”

“I just want to see the pandas,” Scott mumbled to himself.

\--

“Dude, the baby panda all laying all over it's mom’s head, like come on, how cute.” Scott was now wearing a panda sweater that he bought. It zipped up in the front to make him look like an actual panda.

“Do you think the panda thought you were real?” Stiles asked.

“Probably, dude! I wonder if the elephants are going to think Kira is real when they see her hat.”

“Most likely. Aren’t elephants like some of the dumbest animals?”

“I don’t think that’s true. I’m pretty sure they’re as smart as humans.”

“Good for them!” Stiles and Scott started walking away from the panda exhibit. “I can’t wait to tell Kira how they were just eating and shitting and not doing anything, like, can I live that life?”

“So,” Scott said, “you like Kira?”

“Oh, no, we’re strictly fuck buddies. It works perfectly because she is, like, established in her dental business and doesn’t have that much time, meanwhile I just work temp jobs. I have all the time so it is a fuck match made in heaven.”

Scott nodded, “sure.”

As they were walking by a little boy ran in front of them, they both had to stop to not run into him. They both looked around and didn’t see anyone else.

“Is this kid lost?” Stiles asked.

The kid stopped directly in front of them and cocked his head, staring.

“I don’t know,” Scott whispered, “but he’s creepy.”

Without blinking, the kid pulled his pants down and started peeing on the floor.

“Ew,” Scott yelled, “what the fuck, kid!”

“Are you yelling at my child,” a woman came storming up.

“Your kid just started pissing in front of us, dude.” Stiles said.

“Good boy, Timmy,” the woman said, lifting the boy up by under his arms. His pants were still down and he was still peeing but she walked away with him as if nothing was happening.

“Okay, what just happened?” Scott asked.

“I don’t even know. Let’s smoke, though,” Stiles said. “I’m too sober to process that.”

\--

“Did you hear that?” Scott asked as he let out a cloud of smoke.

They had found a deserted area of the park and hid behind a bunch of bushes.

“The announcement?” Stiles asked.

“Yeah.”

“No, I wasn’t listening, but, dude!” Stiles shouted. “I have the perfect idea! Take a huge hit, zip up your jacket and then hotbox the shit out of that panda hoodie.”

“That’s genius.” Scott breathed in as much as he could and then zipped himself up. He let out smoke and let the smoke dissipate through the fabric.

“Let me try,” Stiles said.

Scott unzipped the hoodie and handed it over. Stiles put it on and zipped it up, taking a massive hit and then zipping it up.

“This is my best idea,” Stiles said.

Scott nodded in agreement, his eyes glazed over and a smile on his face. He closed his eyes and listened to their surroundings. He hadn’t heard anyone walk by in a few minutes, in fact, it was eerily quiet. He looked around them and only saw trees and bushes, but then out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw something dark move in the distance.

“I think someone’s watching us,” Scott whispered.

“That’s okay, I have my medical card.” Stiles unzipped the hoodie and a cloud of smoke escaped.

“Look,” Scott said, pointing towards the trees up the hill. “What is that?”

They both watched as something moved.

“Oh, shit,” Scott said, standing up and backing away. “Dude, that’s a fucking wolf!”

Stiles shot up before Scott could process what was happening around them and the two of them ran. Stiles tripped as they made it out of the brush, falling flat on his knees.

“Just leave me!” Stiles said, as Scott doubled back. “Go! Don’t bother. I’m dead. I’m a gonner.”

“I’m not leaving you, dude.” Scott reached him and grabbed his arm, yanking him up.

They looked in front of them and saw a wolf standing there. It’s fur was black like midnight, its paws were massive and it did not move an inch.

“What do we do?” Scott asked under his breath.

“I...I don’t know,” Stiles breathed out, shakily.

“Hey, wolfy,” Scott said, holding his hands out. “It’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you.”

“No shit!” Stiles snapped. “It’s the one that’s going to mawl us to death.”

“I think it’d eat us, not mawl us. It’s not a bear, dude.”

“Why isn’t it moving?”

“I don’t know,” Scott said, his hands still in front of him.

“Wait,” Stiles said.

Scott watched as he tilted his head back and let out a howl.

“What are you doing?” Scott said.

“Zootopia, dude.”

“We’re dead.”

\--

“It’s on!” Scott shouted from the living room. The television on the ABC Eyewitness news. “Come on!”

Stiles and Lydia came from the kitchen with snacks. Stiles had made them firecrackers to celebrate living, and also being interviewed for the news.

“Babies,” Lydia said sitting down, “I can’t believe that happened to you. I am so happy you are okay because I love you, and also this apartment would suck without you, Stiles.”

“Aw, Lydia,” Stiles said, taking a swig of the firecracker. “I know you’re going to find someone to make nonstop lesbian sex to and when you do I am going to be behind you rooting you on.”

“Thank you, baby.”

“Shh,” Scott said, hiring the volume. “It’s on!”

“Earlier today what was supposed to be a peaceful day for San Diego Zoo goers turned terrifying when the wolves got loose.” The anchorwoman said. “We go to Denis Pepperidge for more.”

“Thank you, Suzanne,” the man said. “Earlier today I caught up with two brave men who came face to face with the wolves and how they survived.”

“Here we go!” Scott said, bouncing in his seat.

The television cut to clips of the zoo.

“What started as a normal day turned deadly when wolves got loose at the San Diego Zoo earlier today. Two men came face to face with one of the wolves and we were able to stop them and get a quick word.”

“So what was going through your head?”

“I thought, _beep_ , I’m going to _beeping_ die,” Stiles said on the television.

“Where were you guys when the announcement went off telling everyone to evacuate?”

“We definitely weren’t smoking weed,” Scott said, laughing nervously.

“We were just being, you know?” Stiles cut in. “And then out of nowhere a _beeping_ wolf comes out of the bushes where were smok….talking, and it was so scary. I honestly am surprised I didn’t _beep_ myself.”

“How did you guys get out of it?”

“Have you seen Zootopia?” Stiles asked. “Because I had and I knew the only way out was to howl. Wolves can’t help but howl, it’s nature or some _beep_.”

“Also,” Scott chimed in, “the park workers came and saved us.”

“So there you have it,” the anchorwoman said. “No one was hurt and the two men seemed like they were just happy to be alive. In other news, complaints that users on tinder are now boasting about sexually assaul--”

Stiles clicked the television off.

“Dude,” Scott said, taking a sip.

“We’re basically fucking famous, dude!” Stiles shrieked.

“I know!”

“I’m just glad the wolves got put back in their cages, like, honestly who wants wolves just walking around.”

“Yeah,” Scott said, finishing the firecracker. “Although, do you think the wolves want to be free like shamu?”

“Dude, please, the zoo is nothing like Sea World.”


	4. Sure Would

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles misses something so important to his existence that he almost dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is soooooooooooooooooooooo messy I am so sorry in advance. It's unedited and a roller coaster. Hope if anyone reads it they enjoy!! :)

“We need to strategize our orders,” Stiles said as he and Scott walked down the street.

“What’s there to strategize?” Scott asked.

“Um, hello, this is In-N-Out we’re talking about, okay? Do you want to be waiting over an hour for your food?”

“No?” Scott said, still not understanding. “They only have three burgers on their menu, Stiles. I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”

“Not that big of a deal? Not. That. Big. Of. A. Deal?” Stiles stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “Have you ever been to an In-N-Out on a Saturday? It’s mayhem, absolute mayhem. You have tourists who don’t know what they want and heard of a secret menu, but besides that small bit of knowledge know nothing, and they stand there for ten minutes asking what a 4x4 is, like, it’s in the fucking name. Not to mention if we don’t order together then my order will come out five minutes before yours, because we all know In-N-Out doesn’t actually follow the order of when things were ordered. So, now we have me, sitting with my food, eating, and you, alone.”

“Why wouldn’t you just wait for me?”

“Bitch, please, this is In-N-Out. That’s like putting food in front of a starving puppy who hasn’t eaten in days after being neglected by its’ crackhead owner who would rather shoot up and watch reruns of Veronica Mars than feed their dog.”

“That's actually -- that’s nothing at all like what we’re talking about, Stiles, what?”

“It is.”

“Why are you so dramatic sometimes?” Scott began to walk and Stiles followed suit.

“Me? Dramatic? Okay. I’m a realist, Scott. There’s a difference.”

“You’re not dramatic?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about when you took that baseball bat and beat the shit out of the car with the Trump bumper sticker on it?”

“Oh, completely justifiable and not dramatic at all.”

“Are you -- okay, fine, what about the time you called me and said you were dying so I rushed over to your apartment to find you so high you couldn’t move and all you needed were the Doritos from your pantry.”

“Lydia was out of town and I really thought I was dying!”

Stiles started looking around the block they were on. The entire street was empty, silent. There was a tumbleweed that blew past them, even though they were in the middle of the city. Stiles thought he heard a baby crying in the distance.

“It’s eerily empty for a Saturday.” Stiles said.

“For any day,” Scott corrected. “Where do you think everyone….” As the two of them turned the corner they saw that the line for In-N-Out was outside the door, wrapped around the building, and then proceeded to go down the street. “What the fuck.”

“They must be having some major deals!” Stiles said excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to eat a double double knowing that I got it for free because there was a national In-N-Out day or something.”

“That would be pretty sweet,” Scott admitted, “but this line is outrageous.”

“Let’s just ask someone in line what’s up and then we can leave.”

“Deal.”

The two of them walked up to the person in the back of the line and saw that they were staring forward, blankly. Their eyes were glazed over and their head slowly bobbed up and down.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Stiles asked the person.

“What isn’t going on? You know?” The person’s speech was slow and they smacked their chapped lips together.

“Totally,” Stiles said, turning to Scott and shrugging.

As they looked down the line they noticed most of the people looked just like that person. No matter what they were wearing -- businessmen, teenagers, old people -- they all had glazed over eyes, and a dead blank look on their face.

“Dude,” Stiles said, backing up and clutching his chest. “I think the zombie apocalypse is starting!”

“See what I mean,” Scott said. “Dramatic.”

“What else could cause this!”

“Wait look,” Scott said, pointing to a worker who was sitting on the concrete next to a building, rocking back and forth with their arms holding their knees up to their chest. “Let’s just ask.”

They walked over to the worker. He was still rocking back and forth, his thumb in his mouth, when they reached him.

“Hey,” Scott said. “What’s going on?”

“We weren’t prepared,” the man said, his face snapping up to look at them, his eyes puffy and red, tears falling down his cheeks. “We knew it would be bad, sure, but not like this. Never like this.”

“What are yo--”

“We’re about to run out of meat. There is no hope. They just keep coming. Hoards of them. It’s barely noon, man!” The worker shot up onto his feet and grabbed Scott by the collar, yanking him until he was barely inches away from his face. “We weren’t prepared.”

“Prepared for what?” Stiles asked.

“4/20!”

Stiles hearing went out and he watched in slow motion as Scott pushed the man off and held onto Stiles’ shoulders. He could read Scott’s lips asking if he was okay but he couldn’t respond. A high pitched noise was all he heard. He felt like someone dropped a bomb next to him and he was deaf. The world around him collapsed and he was left alone, sober.

“Stiles,” Scott voice broke through the screeching. “Stiles!”

Stiles’ vision tunneled out and he watched, numb, as the ground grew closer and closer to his face until there was only blackness.

\--

Stiles came to with Scott giving him CPR. He was in too much shock and pain to even remotely enjoy the moment.

“You’re awake. Thank God, dude,” Scott said, sitting down next to Stiles.

Stiles slowly rose up and looked around, felt his body to make sure he wasn’t dead and his heaven was Scott giving him CPR every time he woke up.

“I can’t -- I can’t process what’s happening.” Stiles sat next to the worker, starting to rock back and forth in unison. “How could I forget this national fucking holiday, dude?”

“Well it’s not a nation -- you know what that doesn’t matter. Like the guy said it’s barely noon. We can still smoke the rest of the day.”

“Do you understand what today is?” Stiles said, pushing himself up and starting to pace. “Today is the one day out of the entire year that people from all walks of life sit down and smoke a bowl, maybe two, maybe fifty if you’re me. And we enjoy life. We as a species need this. It’s the day that equals out all the hate, all the pain. It’s a day where we come together and say ‘I don’t care if you’re different than me. Sit down and smoke my bong.’”

“I don’t think that’s what happens.”

“I have missed out on twelve hours straight of smoking.”

“Stiles, you didn’t even wake up until eleven this morning.”

“If I had known what today was I wouldn’t have slept. Do you understand that? Do you understand what I was robbed of?”

“You stay up all day on 4/20?”

“Duh!” Stiles reached into his pocked and pulled out a joint and lighter. He lit the end and with one, extremely long hit, he finished the entire joint in one hit. Scott watched in disbelief. He blew smoke out as he talked.

“I wanted a hit, dude,” Scott said, shaking his head. “Listen, let’s go get baked and then get food.”

“Fine,” Stiles said, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a brownie.

“Is that en edible? Why do you have...why do I even question it at this point?”

“Who knows,” Stiles said, shoving the entire brownie into his mouth as the remaining smoke escaped, then he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a packed pipe.

“Okay, what the fuck.”

\--

“So,” Scott said, passing the pipe to the worker next to them. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Stiles said, reaching into his coat and pulling out a torch.

“Stiles,” Scott said in disbelief.

“Dabs,” Stiles said, reaching in and then pulling out a quartz nail. With that sentiment he held the torch in front of him and burned the wax until he took a hit. “I’m making up,” he let out a cloud of smoke, “for lost times, okay?”

“We’re still in public, dude. You just smoked a joint, ate an edible, took a fucking pipe out of your pants and now we’re smoking with,” Scott turned to the worker, “what’s your name?”

“Sherwood,” the worker said, leaning his head against the wall and breathing smoke out of his nose.

“Sure would be your name,” Scott said making a pun. No one laughed. “Anyways, Stiles, now you’re pulling out a fucking torch and dabbing in public. No, I’m sorry, dude, but we need to get out of here before a cop--”

 Before Scott could finish his sentence a police officer walked by. He was holding his gun in his right hand and throwing it up in the air and then catching it as it came down.

“Yo, what the fu--” Scott shot up and put his hands in the air.

“Hey, officer,” Stiles said, blowtorch still in hand. “Wanna dab?”

“You dab right I do,” the officer said.

Stiles and the worker began to laugh and couldn’t stop.

“You guys didn’t laugh at my pun,” Scott said under his breath as he watched the police officer sit down and start smoking.

“Hey, Scott,” Stiles said, reaching into a backpack that Scott didn’t even know Stiles was carrying. “Maybe this 4/20 isn’t so bad,” he said as he pulled out a glass bong out.

“How much….what….I can’t even….just give me the fucking bong!”

\--

“It’s so hard,” the officer said as the four of them sat in silence. Scott was staring at the ant crawling on the cement while Stiles took a hit from his pipe.

“What is?” Stiles said.

“Work. I asked for today off so I could stay inside and watch porn all day while rubbing vaseline on my--”

“Wow, I really don’t want to hear this,” Scott said.

“Scott, be respectful. This is an officer of the law,” Stiles said, mimicking sucking a dick next to the officer.

“Tell me more Officer?”

“Anderson.” The policeman said.

“Anderson.” Stiles repeated, making direct eye contact and placing the pipe up to his lips and sucking in the air. “Tell me more about how you wanted to just sit at home and watch porn.”

“Well I--”

“And describe it in graphic details,” Stiles said. “Give me everything: girth, length, cut or uncut, how gay you are on the Kinsey scale. You know, basic stuff.”

“Stiles,” Scott hissed under his breath and then mouthed, “stop.”

“I usually start with basic stuff, you know, gangbangs and bukakke parties,” Anderson said, reaching for the pipe and taking it from Stiles’ hand, but not before suggestively rubbing his fingers over Stiles’ palm. While consistently making aggressive eyes contact, Anderson put his entire mouth over the end of the pipe and lit the end.

The pipe was almost cashed and as the officer lit the end of the pipe and breathed in deeply, the weed sucked through the hole and shot directly into his mouth.

“Fuck,” he screamed and he started spitting out the ash to his side, not realizing he was spitting onto Scott’s face.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Scott said, wiping the ash and spit from his face.

“Unarmed suspect walking down the street minding his own business,” a voice said from the officer’s walkie. “Shoot on sight.”

“I gotta go,” Anderson said, pushing himself up and yanking his gun from his holster. “Duty calls.”

“Sure,” Stiles said, eyes completely glazed over. “If you want you can shoot a load on my face instead of that person.”

“Stiles!” Scott shouted this time. “Chill the fuck out.”

“Thanks,” Anderson said, ignoring Scott. “But shooting my gun feels better than shooting my load. That’s why I became a cop. See you!”

“What a nice guy,” Stiles said, leaning back against the building. “Real stand up guy.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Oh, totally. I just wanted to see if I could solicit sex and not get in trouble.”

\--

“Why are we still sitting here,” Scott asked.

Scott, Stiles, and Sherwood were still leaning against the building. Scott could feel his hunger starting to kick in and the line for In-N-Out had not gotten any smaller. He could feel his stomach eating itself.

“It’s only 12:20,” Stiles said, looking at his wrist.

“You’re not even wearing a watch, dude.”

“I know,” Stiles said, “but I can tell by the shadow being cast by my arm hairs. See,” Stiles said, shoving his forearm in front of Scott’s face. “The shadow is titled a tiny bit. That’s how I know.”

“That’s absolutely ridiculous,” Scott said grabbing his phone. “There is no way it’s….” Scott sighed and put his phone back in his pocket. “It’s fucking 12:20.”

\--

“Sherwood!” A voice bellowed from across the street.

Scott and Stiles watched as a man came storming across the street in an In-N-Out uniform.

“Oh, shit,” Sherwood said, eyes barely open.

“So,” the man said, “this is where you’ve been. Smoking! Do you understand what today is?”

“The most important day in the world,” Stiles said with a grin spread across his face.

“Who the fuck are you?” The worker said.

“I’m Stil--”

“Wow, that was rhetorical. Sherwood, you’re fired. You know the rules. No one is allowed to ask for 4/20 off. No one! Do you think I want to be here, in that hot kitchen, slaving away for hours so everyone else can enjoy their high while I’m sweating my balls off? Do you think I want to wait five minutes to listen to some stoned piece of shit deliberate if they want onions or not? Do you think I woke up this morning with a pep in my step? Because I didn’t, Sherwood, I fucking didn’t. Today is the black friday of fast food. Today is the day where people who never smoke decide to try it and then think In-N-Out is a good idea. Today is the day where old people who don’t even know where they are somehow scrounge up enough energy to put on their suspenders, their fedoras, rub moth balls all over themselves and then head to our establishment like their going to fucking mass. Today is a horrible fucking day and you, you low life piece of shit garbage, decided that you were going to smoke instead of working.”

“I’m sorry?” Sherwood said, a smile on his face.

Scott and Stiles watched in awe.

“You’re smiling?” The worker crouched down until he was mere inches from Sherwood’s face. “Stacey is in there, eight months pregnant, cleaning up shit every five minutes because these stoners can’t hold in everything they’ve been eating. I’m pretty sure she’s going to have a miscarriage, and you’re sorry?”

“Stiles,” Scott whispered. “Let’s go.”

“Definitely,” Stiles said, grabbing his pipe and quartz nail.

“I’m going to kill you, Sherwood.” The worker said, leaning in closer. “I’m gonna find you and kill you for this. I’m going to--”

A gunshot rang out and the worker fell forward. Scott and Stiles saw Officer Anderson standing on the other end of the sidewalk, his gun sticking out of the zipper in his pants.

“Oh, shit,” Scott said, falling back against the wall, trying to get his bearings. “Shit, shit, shit.”

“Oh, fuck,” Anderson shouted. “I just came.”

\--

“I don’t think that actually happened,” Scott said as the two of them walked down the street after running away.

“No way,” Stiles said, smoking a joint. “There is no way a cop would just shoot an unar….you know what, it just might have actually happened.”

“Fuck!” Scott yelled. “What do we do?”

“Get food?” Stiles said.

“No, I mean about what just happened!”

“Get food.” Stiles passed the joint to Scott. “Listen, there’s nothing we can do. I say we just focus on the immediate issue….our hunger.”

Scott felt his stomach growl and realized just how hungry he had become. The munchies had crept their way up and now he felt like if he didn’t eat he would die.

“Okay, but where?” Scott asked. “Every food place is going to be jam packed.”

“Hmmm,” Stiles said. “I know somewhere that no one will be.”

“Where?”

“It’s a place only dads ever seem to go. It is actually shocking it's even still in business. That’s besides the point, though. Dads are lazy as fuck, can I get an amen?”

“Amen!” A homeless man shouted from the alleyway across the street.

“What the...anyways,” Stiles said. “They all would have ordered their food yesterday so that they didn’t have to go anywhere today. That way they could sit inside and order their children to get them beers while they sit and watch Home Improvement or whatever the fuck it is dads watch. My point being, this place will be empty.”

“What place?”

\--

“Quiznos. No, Stiles, anything but this.” Scott said.

“It’s our only option.” Stiles took a breath, reaching for the handle to open the door. When it began to open, there was a creaky noise that filled the silence of the restaurant.

“Hello?” A small voice came from the darkness.

The inside of the Quiznos looked as if no one had stepped foot inside there for a lifetime. There were cobwebs all over the ceiling, the chairs were on top of the tables as if the place was closed, and the lights were dimmed which made it even creepier.

“Customers?” A man emerged from behind the counter, wearing the Quiznos uniform. “Guys! Chonsey, Helga, Geraldine, Tommy, Mickey, Bethany, Clarance, Hildaberg, Joey! We got customers!”

“Dude, what the hell?” Scott whispered.

Before Stiles could speak, an entire line of people came out and began to kick their legs up in a line dance. The worker who called them all out put on a top hat and began to sing.

“Put away all of your troubles and woes, baby, you’re at Quiznos,” the man sang, sounding like he was in the musical Chicago. “Lay all of your worries to rest and order that sub with the chicken breast.” The man kicked his leg up, stood on the counter and gave Scott and Stiles a wink. “We respect your choice today and the fact that you said fuck Subway! You came to us with a feeling of trust, and baby don’t you cry I’m your fucking sub guy! I love to cut the bread apart, and know that every ingredient is made from our heart.” He jumped off the counter and the other workers continued to kick their legs up in perfect unison. “We’re so desperate for business, we’d honestly let you come in our ass.”

“I’m leaving,” Scott said.

“No!” All the workers screamed together.

“I know that was a bit much,” the worker said.

“A bit?” Stiles chimed in.

“But you have to understand that you’re our first customer all day.”

“So, do we get, like, free subs?” Scott asked.

\--

“Dude, I can’t believe we got free subs,” Scott said. The two of them were sitting in Stiles’ living room, each smoking a bong.

“I know! You’re so smart asking that.”

“Honestly, how are they still in business?” Scott took a bite of his sandwich. “Like, the sub isn’t bad or anything, but we were their only customer today, dude, and they gave us it for free.”

“Who knows,” Stiles said.


End file.
